Because many young people today are digital natives, engaging with your mentee in a virtual setting may make them feel more comfortable and willing to communicate.
For more information about MENTOR or to become a mentor as well as access to links referenced in this chapter, visit us at mentoring.org.
Follow us on social media at
Twitter: @MENTORnational
Facebook: @MENTORnational
LinkedIn:@MENTOR
Instagram: @mentornmp
Because many young people today are digital natives, engaging with your mentee in a virtual setting may make them feel more comfortable and willing to communicate.
For more information about MENTOR or to become a mentor as well as access to links referenced in this chapter, visit us at mentoring.org.
Follow us on social media at
Twitter: @MENTORnational
Facebook: @MENTORnational
LinkedIn:@MENTOR
Instagram: @mentornmp
Welcome to Becoming a Better Mentor: Strategies to Be There for Young People
An audiobook from MENTOR
I’m Alex.
And today I’ll be reading to you from Chapter 5 — Understanding Effective Online Communication
Remember, you can feel free to listen to this audiobook from start to finish or listen chapter by chapter, to dive more quickly into what’s most important to you or your mentee.
This chapter was written by Michelle R. Kaufman from Johns Hopkins University
Online communication is communication between people using a computer or mobile device (like a cell phone, a tablet, or even a video game console). This form of communication is increasingly common in our modern world and in the world of mentoring as well. The incorporation of online communication into mentoring is often referred to as e-mentoring, digital mentoring, or online mentoring.
Although we tend to think of mentoring as an inherently in-person, intimate activity, there are many mentoring contexts in which matches may communicate frequently, if not exclusively, using online technology. For instance, a youth may need support from someone with a particular skill, set of characteristics, or shared lived experience who doesn’t live in their nearby community; e-mentoring can make a mentoring relationship for this youth possible. This chapter will discuss how to have a mentoring relationship — or enhance your mentoring relationship — through online communication.
Online communication can take many forms. It can include video calls through platforms such as Zoom, FaceTime, or social media. It can also include text messaging or DMing (that’s direct messaging) on social media. Online communication can be conducted through online gaming where players talk via headsets and interact within the game while competing against each other from different locations. It can include joint use of mobile apps or interacting through social media such as sharing content or responding to each other’s posts through “likes,” “loves,” comments, or shares.
The online communication practices and tips discussed in this chapter can be helpful when considering almost any aspect or type of mentoring described in this resource. In fact, developing online communication skills in young people — and providing them with opportunities to watch you model such practices effectively — is crucial as they move toward adulthood in a digital world.
Online Communication Is Important in Mentoring Relationships as It Is in Most Other Relationships
For decades, social psychologists have been studying how friendships, romantic relationships, and professional connections are built online. Research shows that strong, successful online relationships are possible. The strength of such relationships depends on many factors, such as how often and for how long relationship partners connect online, the quality of their interactions, the extent to which more personal information and thoughts are shared by the partners, and what each partner gains and gives in such a relationship.
In mentoring, the strength of relationships that are developed entirely online depends on many of the same factors that are important in other types of online relationships. In addition, successful online communication between you and your mentee depends on your mentee’s developmental stage, the types of activities you do together online, the depth of your interactions, and your and your mentee’s comfort level with a given technology platform. We advise you (and mentoring programs) to keep these factors in mind when communicating online with a young person.
There are many potential benefits to online communication in mentoring. In many ways, this approach meets young people where they are, as most youth are very comfortable communicating with their peers and others using these modes. Today’s young people are “digital natives,” meaning they have grown up with the internet, smartphones, social media, and various forms of online communication and have learned how to use these technologies from a very young age.
Even in-person mentoring relationships can be strengthened using online communication. For example, it can allow you and your mentee to keep in regular contact even when you can’t see each other in person. This can help with consistency in the relationship and contribute to building trust and rapport between you. This may be especially true if you are mentoring in a program where meeting times are limited, such as in a classroom context or for set hours after school. Being able to reach you remotely outside of in-person activities can be of great benefit to a young person in times of crisis.
Online communication can also be used in mentoring to talk about more sensitive topics that you or your mentee may be more hesitant to discuss when face-to-face. Such sensitive topics may include substance use, mental health challenges, sexual exploration, or anything else a young person may find difficult to discuss when facing an adult in person. Chatting online about such topics may be easier for you as well, as it will allow you time to be thoughtful in crafting your response.
And, online communication can expand the reach of mentoring more broadly. For instance, some mentoring matches may communicate entirely online, which was a necessity for many programs during parts of the COVID-19 pandemic. This allowed mentoring pairs to continue their relationships and maintain social connection at a distance. Even beyond the pandemic, remote learning and work, and networking across the globe will remain. During non-pandemic times, online communication can be used to link more youth with mentors who fit their needs. For example, if a young person is looking for a mentor who has a specific career (for instance, a female environmental engineer) or a specific health condition (like an organ transplant recipient), but there are few such mentors in the youth’s local community, online mentoring can help that youth connect with a mentor in an entirely different geographic location.
Finally, learning about effective online communication is a good life and career skill for young people to develop. Youth will be entering a technology-driven world as they transition to adulthood, and using online communication will be important in their higher education, career, and simply in their everyday interactions with family, friends, colleagues, and their broader communities. By incorporating online communication into your mentoring relationship, you can guide and model how to communicate effectively in this way, including safety in online interactions. For instance, you can guide your mentee on digital skills, such as how to monitor their online presence (given that any text and video created is a permanent fixture in the broader internet), safe communication with strangers, and avoiding online content that may not be age appropriate. If you are unfamiliar with a given form of online communication, learning how to use it with your mentee could be beneficial for you in everyday life as well.
Did You Know That Youth Are Less Likely to Be Exploited Online Than They Are in Person?
Research shows that online exploitation of young people is not as common as the media may lead us to believe, and youth are more likely to be exploited in person by someone they know than by someone they meet online. While such scenarios are certainly something for those working with or caring for youth to be aware of, the concern should be tempered by the fact that it is fairly uncommon. An online mentor who is connected with a structured program will likely be subjected to the same screening and background-check procedures as they would if they were applying to be an in-person mentor. If you are part of a program, serving as an online or in-person mentor, make sure you understand what online communication with your mentee can entail (for instance, what kind of platforms you can use or whether the program needs to review your exchanges). If you are working with youth outside of a program, it is recommended that your mentee’s caregivers provide permission for you to communicate online with your mentee and outline the parameters of this communication.
In practice, there are many different forms online communication can take. One overarching challenge to many of these forms of communication require a sufficient and stable internet connection. For some mentees, particularly those in less-resourced or rural settings, this may be a challenge. Some types of online communication also require certain devices (such as a specific video game console) or a paid subscription (in the case of many apps).
Regardless of the mode, conversations around expectations for online communication are key to ensuring you and your mentee are engaging in ways that are acceptable to both of you. This could include expectations for communication frequency, hours of availability, response time, and what activities you’ll engage in using online platforms. Younger youth may feel overwhelmed by too much online interaction, whereas teens may be tempted to engage in continuous texting throughout the day like they do with peers. Likewise, you may need to limit online interactions to certain hours or specifically scheduled times, and you can let your mentee know what it might mean if a response is not immediate (for example, the mentee is in school or you’re putting your own children to bed)
Here are some examples and the potential benefits and challenges of each mode.
Video calls are phone calls that include a video image. These can be held on a number of platforms, such as Zoom, Skype, FaceTime, or sometimes through social media.
The benefits of video calls are:
The challenges of a video call are:
Texting and DMs include short snippets of conversation that happen synchronously or asynchronously. For instance, you could send an encouraging text to your mentee the morning of a big exam or sports match. Or a full conversation could occur over text if both you and your mentee are engaged at the same time, mimicking an in-person conversation.
The benefits of a text message are:
The challenges of a text message are:
Online Gaming involves using the internet to play a game one-on-one with your mentee or as a team if in a small group mentoring setting. We recommend this form of online communication for mentors and mentees with gaming systems and experience, as there are usually costs and a steep learning curve involved.
The benefits of gaming are:
The challenges of gaming are:
Joint app use involves using a mobile app together from two different locations. This is similar to the setup for gaming, but can involve activities other than playing video games.
The benefits of using an app together are:
The challenges of using an app together are:
So how do you determine which form of online communication or activity is best? Start by asking your mentee.
Chances are mentees have already used several of these platforms or activities, especially as a result of remote learning and virtual social interactions during the COVID-19 pandemic.
Generally, young people will let you know how comfortable they are with online communication by how engaged they are. If conversations are forced or engagement falls off quickly during an activity, that may signal this is not the right mode or that your mentee isn’t enjoying the activity. It may be helpful to check in with your mentee on a regular basis to see whether they are enjoying the online activities, whether their expectations are being met, and if there are other modes they want to try.
While online communication is now ubiquitous, and there are dozens of options for ways to engage a young person in online activities, there are several considerations to keep in mind. They include the programmatic context (if any), your mentee’s age or developmental stage, where in the relationship cycle you are, and the role of your mentee’s family.
Research has not yet revealed a definitive “right” or “wrong” way to incorporate online communication into mentoring. For instance, we don’t know how often you and your mentee should communicate online (if the relationship is completely digital) or the right blend of online and in-person communication. We also don’t know which mode is best for different types of mentoring goals. How often and in what ways you should interact will vary depending on your goals and your mentee’s specific needs. Regardless, we can offer some suggestions that may help prevent online communication from becoming unhelpful or even harmful to your mentee.
If you are mentoring within a programmatic context, the mentoring program may place limits on the types of platforms that can be used with a mentee due to concerns with safety, information security, or even the program’s own comfort level with a given technology. For mentors not tied to a specific program, it’s best to start with a technology with which you and your mentee are already comfortable. For example, if you both use FaceTime to talk with other friends and relatives, you might want to start with that. You can always learn new apps and platforms later as your mentoring relationship grows. Check with your mentee’s family (and your program, if relevant) to make sure they are comfortable with interaction on a given platform.
You should also consider the developmental stage of your mentee. Deciding on the type of online communication you will use and the length and context of your interactions depends on the youth’s age and maturity level. For instance, a mentor would be unwise to force a 90-minute video call on an 8-year-old with a limited attention span. Texting with a teenager may come naturally, but for a younger mentee just learning to write, it may be too frustrating. Keep in mind your mentee’s age and level of socioemotional development when choosing how to communicate online and how long you want each online interaction to be.
Getting to know each other’s online style and interests should come early in an online mentoring relationship, just as a mentor and mentee would get to know each other’s hobbies, interests, and mannerisms if meeting in person. Our online persona is a part of our identities now, and this should be explored for both you and your mentee at the beginning of the relationship. Are you and your mentee comfortable on camera? Are you comfortable using social media platforms? Is communicating through text too much work, or does it feel less intimidating than staring at each other on video? Online communication styles should be explored early on, but joint activities can adapt to these technologies throughout the mentoring relationship and may, in fact, change over time as your relationship — and your mentee — grow.
Online communication may also require coordinating with a mentee’s family or caregivers to schedule a video call or establish limits on what hours an online interaction can occur (both for your mentee’s and your own sake). Some mentees may be sharing electronic devices with others in their household, limiting their ability to send sensitive texts or to use the technology during certain times. Some families may also place limits on their children’s use of certain types of technology, such as social media platforms.
Here are a few of my tips and final thoughts:
Online communication can open up a world of possibilities for creative interaction using technology. It can also greatly expand the reach of mentoring to youth who may not have access to the type of mentoring they need. But online communication can also be challenging. First, it requires sufficient access to technology tools, internet service, and bandwidth. The COVID-19 pandemic revealed that many young people are living in areas where access to WiFi is difficult, making their access to online learning extremely challenging. Both you and your mentee must have a reliable device and reliable internet. While the infrastructure to provide universal internet access is continually improving, this remains a challenge for many.
Another major challenge is that online communication, while in many cases a great substitute for in-person interaction, is not entirely “natural,” and adjustments have to be made accordingly. For instance, staring at ourselves in a video call or having intense eye contact at close range on video can be more intimate and therefore more uncomfortable than having an in-person conversation where we can lean back, avert our eyes, or look at other things. For young people, especially teenagers who are adjusting to a developing body and the self-consciousness that comes with it, this awkwardness can be difficult to manage.
A third challenge is finding what works for a mentoring pair or group in the online space. Since online communication does not come as naturally as in-person socializing, it requires that you try many different types of communication, lengths of time per session, and activities to see what grabs and holds the attention of your mentee.
Here are some suggestions for initiating and strengthening online communication as part of your mentoring relationship.
As a first step, consider your mentee’s age, maturity level, and attention span, and which kinds of technology are best given these characteristics. Find out whether they are most comfortable with video chats or texting, and try not to force one mode of communication over another, at least in the beginning. Also make sure this mode is in line with program expectations if you are working with one. Start small and with realistic expectations. If possible, use their favorite platforms or apps; follow your mentee’s lead in what they are most comfortable with or enjoy the most. If your mentee seems uncomfortable with certain aspects of online communication, you can model how to make it more effective, such as turning on your own camera during a video call even if your mentee prefers not to turn on theirs.
Consider wither your mentee has access to privacy for your online communication. Will anyone else be sharing your mentee’s device? Will this impact what text conversations or data can be stored on it? Ensure that your mentee has access to a private location in their home or other setting so that more sensitive conversations are possible. Mentoring in an online space requires particular attention to privacy for all parties involved, as any written text or recorded video becomes a permanent fixture in the online space. In that same regard, be careful what you choose to share with your mentee, always considering the possibility that it could be shared with or viewed by others. The same respect should be given to mentees themselves — never share with others the online content your mentee shares with you without their permission. Make sure to discuss these kinds of privacy issues at the beginning of your relationship, or when you begin using online communication.
Get to know your mentee’s online persona (and double check your own). If your mentee is old enough to be on social media, your mentoring program allows for it, and your mentee agrees, follow them on social media. What do they post? What do they “like” or share with their followers? How often are they online? Which social media influencers do they follow? It’s helpful for mentors to follow those same influencers so they can become familiar with the messages and images their mentee is exposed to on a daily basis.
It’s also important for you to monitor your own online presence, especially if your mentee will be following you. This includes the need to be judicious in the photos you post, the language you use, and the content with which you interact, as certain social media settings allow other users to see your activities. With some social media platforms, you can block your mentee from seeing specific pieces of content. Allowing a mentee to see your online presence is a great opportunity to model how to be engaged online in a safe, appropriate way.
Stay current on the meanings of emojis and the latest acronyms. For instance, eggplant and peach emojis are often used to refer to body parts. Acronyms are also used frequently in online communication, especially in spaces where character limits are in place. So, make sure to keep up to date on online lingo and acronyms, especially if you see your mentee using them.
Be aware of how digital communication is different from email or in-person communication. For instance, text communication is often short, frequent, and timely. If you write very long texts, you will likely find a teenage mentee is less engaged than if you write texts that are short, to the point, and use acronyms when possible. Mentees will also likely expect quick responses, otherwise they may think you are “ghosting” them. Again, make sure to discuss your and their expectations for communicating in this way.
Communicating online via text using a relaxed, conversational style can be beneficial in a mentoring setting. (Don’t use all capital letters unless you want to indicate you’re SHOUTING!) It may also be helpful to ask your mentee specific, direct questions to get the conversation going. Some mentors may be disappointed to get one-word responses to a text or DM. Some youth may need coaxing with more open-ended questions (Like, “How did that math quiz you were dreading go? What sort of questions were on it?”). You may also want to have icebreakers ready when early in the relationship (like, "Would you rather...” questions). Temper your expectations of how long or detailed a response you should expect from your mentee. Some mentors feel gratified by crafting careful, witty texts, only to feel disappointed by a mentee who doesn’t engage at the same level. This is OK! You should keep modeling what an engaging online conversation looks like.
Make sure to stay up to date on the latest tech and apps of interest to youth. While several of the latest forms of online communication are mentioned here, the technology is constantly changing. So keep up to date on the latest trends in online spaces, such as hashtags, social media challenges, or online movements, especially those relevant to your mentee’s age. Doing so shows an interest in your mentee and will help you understand youth growing up as digital natives.
Also remember that self-disclosure is important. When communicating online, we can’t see many of the social cues we have access to in person, such as nervous fidgeting, facial reactions (if not on video), and filler words. Therefore, online communication sometimes requires more directness and disclosure of emotions. This can be done on a video call (by saying something like, “You probably can’t see my foot nervously tapping right now.”), in a text using words or emojis, and through exaggerating emotions, for example, texting, “ROFL” (for “rolling on the floor laughing”), and clear facial expressions if on video. Sarcasm and jokes are often hard to interpret in online communication and may not be read as intended without these additional disclosures. You can model this disclosure until your mentee feels comfortable doing so themselves.
If you're mentoring a small group online, remember that there may be a more complex dynamic. Online communication with one person can be challenging, but trying to manage the dynamics of several people in a mentoring group requires even closer monitoring and additional skills. If you are working with a group of youth online, get to know each member and have them get to know each other. Pay attention to group dynamics: Who is particularly chatty? Who holds back? Who seems distracted or irritated? Breakout room features in video conferencing platforms and group chats can be a great way to keep all group members engaged. It may also be helpful to encourage your mentees to keep in contact with each other so they can get to know their peers in the group in addition to the mentors (for more on managing and facilitating groups of young people, listen to chapter 6).
This concludes Chapter 5 of Becoming a Better Mentor: Strategies to Be There for Young People.
This chapter was read by me, Alex Lopez.
CREDITS